Well this last month has been the part of the roller coaster that has your stomach in knots and just when it seems it will calm down it doesn't. After our negative last month I decided to get a little aggressive and act like a nurse. We are amping up the process this time. I went in last week for an endometrial scraping, we are also going to do a HCG wash and acupuncture before and after the transfer. We are pulling out all the stops this time. This just seems like the scariest transfer of all because if we don't get pregnant after all this I really don't know what else to do.
God is definitely in control though. Last week I had the hardest time emotionally I have had in the entire 16 months we have been battling against infertility. I actually felt sad for the first time. I prayed for myself...and God answered. My husband came home from work planned and amazing evening and by ten pm I was laughing. It is amazing when God gives you a best friend that will help you through this time. I am so grateful of my faith in the Lord because honestly I don't know how families who do not believe in the Lord go through this. I have to take comfort that no matter what I do all I am really doing to waiting on the Lord to bless.
I did however have a moment of shear anger three weeks ago. I get all this messages from people that are parents about adopting or just being happy. They don't seem to understand that infertility is more than just being a parent to a child. It is also about loving your spouse and about feeling like a woman. I know that when the times comes no matter what my husband I will raise a child together. I know that I have been blessed with more than I deserve with 5 beautiful kids and one amazing young man that I have the joy of helping to raise. I also am a woman who loves a man that wants to share a child with him. I always find it amazing though that those with children always give the best advice. But if they were asked to give up their child they would not budge. They would fight and die to have their child but for some reason they cannot understand us. This is a battle. It is hard, it is not for weak or the faint in heart. One thing is for sure my child will be loved, desired and not be a burden. My life will be devoted to raising a Godly boy or girl who values other people. I cannot say what adult they will become but I know the same heart that I give to the children I have now I will give to them. I pray for those who do not have compassion or just a lack of understanding.
Pray for me and I will pray for you , until Aug 16th when the miracle happens.
I will speak things as though they were today and forever. We love you babies and we are waiting to meet you!
