Baby Steps

As we head into our 5th and final transfer I have come to a state of acceptance. Yes, painful, yes overwhelming but at the same time peaceful. I have decided to accept God's will. Prayerfully we will get pregnant with this next transfer but if not we will not do IVF again. I guess I can't say forever because you never know but for right now. I am ready for peace. I am ready to move on to the next steps which may or may not include adoption. I know that I have tried all I can and now I must trust. It is so hard to trust God for this and I don't know why. I can usually trust for everything but I have had issues with this. I guess with my whole life having a lack of control of my body and what is happening to it I want some control over this. However, evidently I don't! Life is blessed, I am thankful for my profession, the students, my husband, family and the ability to have other options. Pray for my faith to be increased and peace to be full!

SokoSunflower~~

Round and Round we go!

    As we endured our 4th unsuccessful IVF transfer many lessons were learned. I learned that I am stronger than I think meaning" God is strong through me if I ask". The nurse called with the negative result and I didn't blink. I knew the result already. I guess you do build resistance. I felt the worse because Mikey was so excited that day, calling me throughout the day to see if I got the result and to see his face of disappointment is difficult.  My next and final attempt at IVF  transfer is in December. I am looking forward to the possibility but also in this journey being over. We are ready to move forward no matter what to the next path. It may be that we adopt or hopefully we are blessed with this being the transfer that leads to life growing inside me. I am happy however that my Mom will be here on the day we find out the result. Either way, I will be able to come to an end of this frustration and anxiety by either becoming a Mom naturally or another way.
    I am tired. Tired of the needles, the schedules and I know that I have given all that I have. 16 months committed to having a baby. Everyday thinking I did something wrong in this life to deserve such frustration and anxiety. Thinking about everything that enters my body. I must recognize that life is important and that happiness is temporary but joy is forever and I want joy. The joy of the Lord and the ability to accept God's will for us no matter what it is.
 I listen to people's complaints, I listen to my friend struggling through cancer treatments and I know that we are blessed. I know that through faith we will get through this but it is difficult. Each year that passes being more difficult. I want to celebrate Christmas with a little one, watching the excitement! I really wish our boys would come so I could enjoy our kids at Christmas. Jarvis is getting older and will be leaving for college in 8 months. I dread that day because I know the emptiness will come and I don't want to think about it. He is gone so much now that the days are long when I sit at home. I try to stay busy but the longing creeps in. I am thankful for an amazing man who supports me and try to hide his own pain for my sake, for my family that wants us to have a baby so bad and for all those praying for us daily. Keep us in your prayers and pray for our strength to endure.

The next loop!

I here the words you are amazing all the time! I always think not me but God through me. Yesterday I had the next scraping for the transfer this month. As crazy as it sounds I am just relaxing, we have decided to let go and let God.

 I started a new womens' group at church that I am so excited about. It is amazing to be in a study of James and spend a few hours a week with women of God seeking after fellowship and building each other up. We have made serious decisions about our future and I feel comfort in the next few months and what next year will bring. In my heart no matter what next year I will be a birth Mom rather that be natural or not.

The best news that we received is that Jarvis is definitely going to college, he received his first acceptance letter and it truly warmed my heart. The joy in his face and the feeling of accomplishment we both feel. He will be the first child to be accepted to a University in his family and starting right after high school. I am just proud of the influence I was able to have and the hard work he has done. No matter what i know I am a Mom!

As we prepare for the next few weeks, no matte the result we will be ok!!

Here we go again~!

    Today starts the next cycle. We will be heading to our 4th transfer in a little under a month. I am excited to try again but remain with the knowledge that it still is within God's hand. Over the last month I have had good and bad days. I have found friends going through or who have gone through this and received an amazing devotional from a friend from high school. I really look back and see God's hand over the last month, supporting me through friends and family. Unexpectedly it is not through my close friends, it is through new friends. I have found that those I am closest to other than my family have not really been there. Not able to understand this is hard and sometimes I need to talk. I need to express this pain to someone other than my husband that is going through it to. I am thankful that God has given me friends and new people to help build a support system.
       I prayed for a child today. I have not done that in a while because I think once I ask God I don't have to ask again but the devotional had me pray and talk about the legacy I want to give my child and pray over my child although I have not met him or her yet. The next few weeks will be a time to reflect and see how God can comfort me and how I can continue to believe and have faith through adversity.
 Until next time my friends.

A little bit of hope!

Our third cycle resulted in a negative. What do you think as a 34 year old woman who has endured 67 operations and countless defeat think what's next. I know God is able. Faith is the issue. The funny thing is we prayed the night before the test not for a positive result but for grace to accept God's will. The ability to accept all that God has for us and ask for no more than what he wants to give. I am persuaded that God will allow us to have a child together. So the plan..the doc wants to see if my immune system is killing our babies. Women that suffer from endometriosis (which we are not sure that I have) often have an exaggerated Tcell response that destroys the embryos. If that is so, then I will get IVIG or intralipids to help with that battle and hope to move on. The next step is to keep tryiing we have 10 embryos left and that means until the last second we will try. We pray for grace in that our children are already created and the Lord must bless us with them . I know that one thing is for sure every breath our children breath is blessed every evening when Jarvis comes from work safe and sleeps in our home I know we are blessed, he is happy and healthy and a blessing to us everyday. His brothers are missed and we pray for their safety. I know to have found my soulmate, be able to have a beautiful family is a blessing. I also know that there is nothing I won't do to have our baby. No needle or anesthesia or anything will keep  me from trying. With all that I am , I am a MOM.

Welcome August!

August, is just going to be a fun-filled month! Today I had my ultrasound preparing for transfer and our lining is already measuring 11mm. I am excited it is already in the double digits. In one week I will be home in VA after not having been home for two full years. The following week we are going to become parents with transfer being on the 16th.

At the same time we are planning a super fantastic trip to the Dominican Republic in January. I am a little apprehensive because we may be pregnant by that time and I won't be sure if I will be able to go but we shall see! I will be past the worry period so flying shouldn't be an issue. With so many things going on time is just flying by and I am definitely having fun! Life is good and very full!

I guess it is time to update!

   Well this last month has been the part of the roller coaster that has your stomach in knots and just when it seems it will calm down it doesn't. After our negative last month I decided to get a little aggressive and act like a nurse. We are amping up the process this time. I went in last week for an endometrial scraping, we are also going to do a HCG wash and acupuncture before and after the transfer. We are pulling out all the stops this time. This just seems like the scariest transfer of all because if we don't get pregnant after all this I really don't know what else to do.
   God is definitely in control though. Last week I had the hardest time emotionally I have had in the entire 16 months we have been battling against infertility. I actually felt sad for the first time. I prayed for myself...and God answered. My husband came home from work planned and amazing evening and by ten pm I was laughing. It is amazing when God gives you a best friend that will help you through this time. I am so grateful of my faith in the Lord because honestly I don't know how families who do not believe in the Lord go through this. I have to take comfort that no matter what I do all I am really doing to waiting on the Lord to bless.
  I did however have a moment of shear anger three weeks ago. I get all this messages from people that are parents about adopting or just being happy. They don't seem to understand that infertility is more than just being a parent to a child. It is also about loving your spouse and about feeling like a woman. I know that when the times comes no matter what my husband I will raise a child together. I know that I have been blessed with more than I deserve with 5 beautiful kids and one amazing young man that I have the joy of helping to raise. I also am a woman who loves a man that wants to share a child with him. I always find it amazing though that those with children always give the best advice.  But if they were asked to give up their child they would not budge. They would fight and die to have their child but for some reason they cannot understand us. This is a battle. It is hard, it is not for weak or the faint in heart. One thing is for sure my child will be loved, desired and not be a burden. My life will be devoted to raising a Godly boy or girl who values other people. I cannot say what adult they will become but I know the same heart that I give to the children I have now I will give to them. I pray for those who do not have compassion or just a lack of understanding.
   Pray for me and I will pray for you , until Aug 16th when the miracle happens.
I will speak things as though they were today and forever. We love you babies and we are waiting to meet you!