Baby Steps

As we head into our 5th and final transfer I have come to a state of acceptance. Yes, painful, yes overwhelming but at the same time peaceful. I have decided to accept God's will. Prayerfully we will get pregnant with this next transfer but if not we will not do IVF again. I guess I can't say forever because you never know but for right now. I am ready for peace. I am ready to move on to the next steps which may or may not include adoption. I know that I have tried all I can and now I must trust. It is so hard to trust God for this and I don't know why. I can usually trust for everything but I have had issues with this. I guess with my whole life having a lack of control of my body and what is happening to it I want some control over this. However, evidently I don't! Life is blessed, I am thankful for my profession, the students, my husband, family and the ability to have other options. Pray for my faith to be increased and peace to be full!

SokoSunflower~~

Round and Round we go!

    As we endured our 4th unsuccessful IVF transfer many lessons were learned. I learned that I am stronger than I think meaning" God is strong through me if I ask". The nurse called with the negative result and I didn't blink. I knew the result already. I guess you do build resistance. I felt the worse because Mikey was so excited that day, calling me throughout the day to see if I got the result and to see his face of disappointment is difficult.  My next and final attempt at IVF  transfer is in December. I am looking forward to the possibility but also in this journey being over. We are ready to move forward no matter what to the next path. It may be that we adopt or hopefully we are blessed with this being the transfer that leads to life growing inside me. I am happy however that my Mom will be here on the day we find out the result. Either way, I will be able to come to an end of this frustration and anxiety by either becoming a Mom naturally or another way.
    I am tired. Tired of the needles, the schedules and I know that I have given all that I have. 16 months committed to having a baby. Everyday thinking I did something wrong in this life to deserve such frustration and anxiety. Thinking about everything that enters my body. I must recognize that life is important and that happiness is temporary but joy is forever and I want joy. The joy of the Lord and the ability to accept God's will for us no matter what it is.
 I listen to people's complaints, I listen to my friend struggling through cancer treatments and I know that we are blessed. I know that through faith we will get through this but it is difficult. Each year that passes being more difficult. I want to celebrate Christmas with a little one, watching the excitement! I really wish our boys would come so I could enjoy our kids at Christmas. Jarvis is getting older and will be leaving for college in 8 months. I dread that day because I know the emptiness will come and I don't want to think about it. He is gone so much now that the days are long when I sit at home. I try to stay busy but the longing creeps in. I am thankful for an amazing man who supports me and try to hide his own pain for my sake, for my family that wants us to have a baby so bad and for all those praying for us daily. Keep us in your prayers and pray for our strength to endure.