Baby Steps

As we head into our 5th and final transfer I have come to a state of acceptance. Yes, painful, yes overwhelming but at the same time peaceful. I have decided to accept God's will. Prayerfully we will get pregnant with this next transfer but if not we will not do IVF again. I guess I can't say forever because you never know but for right now. I am ready for peace. I am ready to move on to the next steps which may or may not include adoption. I know that I have tried all I can and now I must trust. It is so hard to trust God for this and I don't know why. I can usually trust for everything but I have had issues with this. I guess with my whole life having a lack of control of my body and what is happening to it I want some control over this. However, evidently I don't! Life is blessed, I am thankful for my profession, the students, my husband, family and the ability to have other options. Pray for my faith to be increased and peace to be full!

SokoSunflower~~

Round and Round we go!

    As we endured our 4th unsuccessful IVF transfer many lessons were learned. I learned that I am stronger than I think meaning" God is strong through me if I ask". The nurse called with the negative result and I didn't blink. I knew the result already. I guess you do build resistance. I felt the worse because Mikey was so excited that day, calling me throughout the day to see if I got the result and to see his face of disappointment is difficult.  My next and final attempt at IVF  transfer is in December. I am looking forward to the possibility but also in this journey being over. We are ready to move forward no matter what to the next path. It may be that we adopt or hopefully we are blessed with this being the transfer that leads to life growing inside me. I am happy however that my Mom will be here on the day we find out the result. Either way, I will be able to come to an end of this frustration and anxiety by either becoming a Mom naturally or another way.
    I am tired. Tired of the needles, the schedules and I know that I have given all that I have. 16 months committed to having a baby. Everyday thinking I did something wrong in this life to deserve such frustration and anxiety. Thinking about everything that enters my body. I must recognize that life is important and that happiness is temporary but joy is forever and I want joy. The joy of the Lord and the ability to accept God's will for us no matter what it is.
 I listen to people's complaints, I listen to my friend struggling through cancer treatments and I know that we are blessed. I know that through faith we will get through this but it is difficult. Each year that passes being more difficult. I want to celebrate Christmas with a little one, watching the excitement! I really wish our boys would come so I could enjoy our kids at Christmas. Jarvis is getting older and will be leaving for college in 8 months. I dread that day because I know the emptiness will come and I don't want to think about it. He is gone so much now that the days are long when I sit at home. I try to stay busy but the longing creeps in. I am thankful for an amazing man who supports me and try to hide his own pain for my sake, for my family that wants us to have a baby so bad and for all those praying for us daily. Keep us in your prayers and pray for our strength to endure.

The next loop!

I here the words you are amazing all the time! I always think not me but God through me. Yesterday I had the next scraping for the transfer this month. As crazy as it sounds I am just relaxing, we have decided to let go and let God.

 I started a new womens' group at church that I am so excited about. It is amazing to be in a study of James and spend a few hours a week with women of God seeking after fellowship and building each other up. We have made serious decisions about our future and I feel comfort in the next few months and what next year will bring. In my heart no matter what next year I will be a birth Mom rather that be natural or not.

The best news that we received is that Jarvis is definitely going to college, he received his first acceptance letter and it truly warmed my heart. The joy in his face and the feeling of accomplishment we both feel. He will be the first child to be accepted to a University in his family and starting right after high school. I am just proud of the influence I was able to have and the hard work he has done. No matter what i know I am a Mom!

As we prepare for the next few weeks, no matte the result we will be ok!!

Here we go again~!

    Today starts the next cycle. We will be heading to our 4th transfer in a little under a month. I am excited to try again but remain with the knowledge that it still is within God's hand. Over the last month I have had good and bad days. I have found friends going through or who have gone through this and received an amazing devotional from a friend from high school. I really look back and see God's hand over the last month, supporting me through friends and family. Unexpectedly it is not through my close friends, it is through new friends. I have found that those I am closest to other than my family have not really been there. Not able to understand this is hard and sometimes I need to talk. I need to express this pain to someone other than my husband that is going through it to. I am thankful that God has given me friends and new people to help build a support system.
       I prayed for a child today. I have not done that in a while because I think once I ask God I don't have to ask again but the devotional had me pray and talk about the legacy I want to give my child and pray over my child although I have not met him or her yet. The next few weeks will be a time to reflect and see how God can comfort me and how I can continue to believe and have faith through adversity.
 Until next time my friends.

A little bit of hope!

Our third cycle resulted in a negative. What do you think as a 34 year old woman who has endured 67 operations and countless defeat think what's next. I know God is able. Faith is the issue. The funny thing is we prayed the night before the test not for a positive result but for grace to accept God's will. The ability to accept all that God has for us and ask for no more than what he wants to give. I am persuaded that God will allow us to have a child together. So the plan..the doc wants to see if my immune system is killing our babies. Women that suffer from endometriosis (which we are not sure that I have) often have an exaggerated Tcell response that destroys the embryos. If that is so, then I will get IVIG or intralipids to help with that battle and hope to move on. The next step is to keep tryiing we have 10 embryos left and that means until the last second we will try. We pray for grace in that our children are already created and the Lord must bless us with them . I know that one thing is for sure every breath our children breath is blessed every evening when Jarvis comes from work safe and sleeps in our home I know we are blessed, he is happy and healthy and a blessing to us everyday. His brothers are missed and we pray for their safety. I know to have found my soulmate, be able to have a beautiful family is a blessing. I also know that there is nothing I won't do to have our baby. No needle or anesthesia or anything will keep  me from trying. With all that I am , I am a MOM.

Welcome August!

August, is just going to be a fun-filled month! Today I had my ultrasound preparing for transfer and our lining is already measuring 11mm. I am excited it is already in the double digits. In one week I will be home in VA after not having been home for two full years. The following week we are going to become parents with transfer being on the 16th.

At the same time we are planning a super fantastic trip to the Dominican Republic in January. I am a little apprehensive because we may be pregnant by that time and I won't be sure if I will be able to go but we shall see! I will be past the worry period so flying shouldn't be an issue. With so many things going on time is just flying by and I am definitely having fun! Life is good and very full!

I guess it is time to update!

   Well this last month has been the part of the roller coaster that has your stomach in knots and just when it seems it will calm down it doesn't. After our negative last month I decided to get a little aggressive and act like a nurse. We are amping up the process this time. I went in last week for an endometrial scraping, we are also going to do a HCG wash and acupuncture before and after the transfer. We are pulling out all the stops this time. This just seems like the scariest transfer of all because if we don't get pregnant after all this I really don't know what else to do.
   God is definitely in control though. Last week I had the hardest time emotionally I have had in the entire 16 months we have been battling against infertility. I actually felt sad for the first time. I prayed for myself...and God answered. My husband came home from work planned and amazing evening and by ten pm I was laughing. It is amazing when God gives you a best friend that will help you through this time. I am so grateful of my faith in the Lord because honestly I don't know how families who do not believe in the Lord go through this. I have to take comfort that no matter what I do all I am really doing to waiting on the Lord to bless.
  I did however have a moment of shear anger three weeks ago. I get all this messages from people that are parents about adopting or just being happy. They don't seem to understand that infertility is more than just being a parent to a child. It is also about loving your spouse and about feeling like a woman. I know that when the times comes no matter what my husband I will raise a child together. I know that I have been blessed with more than I deserve with 5 beautiful kids and one amazing young man that I have the joy of helping to raise. I also am a woman who loves a man that wants to share a child with him. I always find it amazing though that those with children always give the best advice.  But if they were asked to give up their child they would not budge. They would fight and die to have their child but for some reason they cannot understand us. This is a battle. It is hard, it is not for weak or the faint in heart. One thing is for sure my child will be loved, desired and not be a burden. My life will be devoted to raising a Godly boy or girl who values other people. I cannot say what adult they will become but I know the same heart that I give to the children I have now I will give to them. I pray for those who do not have compassion or just a lack of understanding.
   Pray for me and I will pray for you , until Aug 16th when the miracle happens.
I will speak things as though they were today and forever. We love you babies and we are waiting to meet you!

Still on the Roller Coaster

Well, sadly I got the BIG Negative yesterday again. It is more sad than anything. I am grateful however that I have a beautiful family. Thankfully to my Kids Mom, I have been blessed to see five beautiful healthy children have fun and laugh. I know that God has a time for us and I am still faithful in believing that in HIS time we will be blessed  with the child God has created for us. As we continue on this journey please pray for strenght and security in Christ and his divine will for our lives. Encourage us and ask God to heal our hearts. This too shall pass!

Enduring the 2WW!

On last Sat June 16th we had our transfer of two beautiful little embryos. As usual I did my video message to my babies in case they survive! After my procedure, I told the nurses how blessed I felt that God allows us to try this and that he creates life but we are just keeping the mind busy while God does the true creating. The nurses were both tearful and expressed their gratitude for me telling them that I appreciate this journey. As the week is progressing, I am having some cramping on and off. The nurse told me to drink more water and rest often. She said the medicine can cause it. As far as my two friends going through IVF, one found out she is Pregnant and one found out she is not. I truly felt devastated for my friend who is not. All the raw emotions of the day I found out that my test was negative came back and I just felt like I wanted to reach through the phone and take her pain away. I do not wish this road on anyone especially those I love. I know that God has a plan for us all but this is just so difficult to hear. As far as me, I am happy and just waiting to see what Gods plan is next. Professionally, I am taking a gamble right now, applying for a higher position even though I know that I may not be as qualified as I need to be.

This weekend is going to be a big weekend our younger two boys will be here visiting. I am excited to see them and also to have out family together. Our daughter comes in on Wed so they will all be here for the news good or bad. I look forward to the time with them. I will check back in when I have some news. Until then take a peek at our babies before transfer! They are soooo cute!

Enjoying the roller coaster.

This last month has been an intensely fun event. We have been visiting family and friends, having bbqs and just enjoying being married almost two years in August. I can say this last few months has been amazing for our marriage. I just love that guy. I was blessed to have my best friend visit which offered complete joy and nostalgia!
June 4 and 8 I had an ultrasound to check my cervix getting ready for Saturday's transfer. All is well my lining looks great. I am however very calm this time. I have been blessed with two friends that are going through IVF right now as well and we have all been a comfort to one another. I have been more of a comfort because I am at peace right now. I feel so blessed that God gave me the desire to share may story and over the last three months I know my other purpose is to be a support to these other women. It is amazing when you are busy caring for others your own struggle isn't so hard to bare.

I am definitely ready for Saturday because the shear joy of thinking we could possibly have a postive pregnancy from this cycle is amazing. I however have a very busy week heading to a Detroit ball game at Wrigley and seeing family on Sunday for Father's Day. I so wish I can give hubby the ulitmate Father's day gift of baby news. I have decided Saturday will be called babyday! Wish me blessings. Hope all of you are well, be blessed!

Fun weekend, on the road again.

We had a fantastic family weekend in Atlanta. Seeing my family again renews my desire for a baby not just for my own personal desires but for may family. My Mom would be so elated and my niece would feel the joy of having a cousin. I looked around and thought how blessed our child would be to be a part of this amazing family . I got to see my wedding video, which was awe inspiring as well to think that was only two years ago,so much has happened since that day. We started Lupron shots on  this past Friday and will go in for baseline ultrasound on Friday this week. I am looking forward to getting started and the busy summer ahead. I had a real moment of sadness today when I learned my buddy on my fertility website is not pregnant. I was so upset. I know that God has a plan but she has been through so much. We really do go through this together. I don't know how she stays afloat handling chemical pregnancy after chemical pregnancy. I pray God gives her strength. This is just so hard for us all! I really pray we all on our site get our hearts desire this year!

Feeling good!

For some reason this last week, I have felt great about next month! I feel in my spirit we may truly have a miracle created next month. The Lord has given me peace. As I write out my Mother's Day cards, I feel confident that next year, I may be able to hear the word Mom! How amazing life is. I am sticking to my weight watchers, and starting to feel better and better about me. My job is going well and I see  bright future. Thank you Lord for the good days, that allow those bad days to not be so bitter knowing days like this will come again soon!
~SokoSunflower

Sovereign Love!

   What am amazing God that we serve. Today I went to church by myself which is unusual but I am so happy! The sermon was about Why bad things happen to good people. Recently I have been feeling more and more agitated about not being able to bare a child when so many other people around me have children and either don't give their best effort or care (in my opinion). Immediately I was chastised for being judgmental reminded in Romans about who is holy..No one. Then he spoke about Job and how he was blameless and when he lost everything he still said, "Blessed be the name of Lord.". I now know that this journey is to bless the Lord. Through this circumstance I am to find how I can praise God. Through this blog I can bring attention to Infertility but also to God's grace and love and through it all, say Blessed be the name of Lord. No matter what the end of this will be I will praise the Lord. I know that if he chooses for us not to be parents that he will give me the grace to accept his will but I also trust that God answers prayer, so it will just be a little while and he will answer pray and give us our hearts desire. I am to trust God through this. I think God for today and for all the blessings I have at this moment because just like Job in one moment it could all be taken away!

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,    and naked I will depart.^[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;     may the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21)

Another small bump in the road!

Well found out that I ovulated this month and had a small follicle so my transfer will be June 16th instead of May now. I don't feel that upset though, I just feel it all happens in God's time. We have tickets to a Cubs game and I am going to enjoy myself. I will deal with this cycle the next time! All is well, all will happen when it is suppose to but then again another change!

Update on IVF and other stuff

What an amazing week? Find out that another friend my be soon battling cancer. I got a very high fever last night and I started my next cycle of IVF drugs last week. I hope this doesn't cause any problems. I go in for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow and then we are heading to the big shot time. On other fronts my husband has been super affectionate and sweet. It is amazing! We painted the first two rooms in our house. We are heading in the right direction in the house and hopefully will be able to plan for a baby soon!

SokoSunflower

Ready for the next month!

Happy Sunday,

Today is a day of prep mentally for the next month. We start our injections again tomorrow and then we will again find out if we are pregnant. Happily I also will see my family in a month and so I too have that to look forward to. I am somewhat apprehensive but excited. Deep down I feel this will be a great result but as always I don't want to get to excited. It is not a matter of trusting God just protecting my own psyche. I firmly believe we will be parents within the next year. I know that faith is the focus. The Lord has great things for us. On the other side of my life, hubby and I had a blast last night, hanging out and being a couple. We are ready for a family for sure but truly enjoy our nights that we can spend together like newlyweds!

SokoSunflower

Feeling a little awkward

Today was a busy day, I had a terrible headache, followed by a commitment to my neighbors to keep their kids. I loved every moment of it, that only problem was keeping to kids increased my desire. I guess I am usually so removed from little ones that I don't have time to miss it. It is also hard I guess to miss something you have never had. I just see these smart beautiful children, hear my husband talk about how our little girl would be and my heart breaks. I want to give him this joy and I want to share it with him. To hear the thoughts of a child and to know in your heart you will give you child the best life possible. I just really want this and I hope that we can see this through. I hope God fulfills our desire. I often am so broken, I am hopeful today but still deeply saddened by the amount of patience I am having to display.

Happy Resurrection Day 2012

Celebrating our Lord and Saviors resurrection was overwhelming this morning. We all went to church this morning and were able to take a Easter Lilly and card to our neighbor who lost her grandfather yesterday. I truly feel blessed to have my husband and son by my side on this beautiful Easter Sunday. We are being lazy watching the Masters and awaiting Mikey's fantastic ribs made in his brand new smoker. On my mind today is the grace of God to allow his son to die for my sin and then the amazing resurrection three days later proving to the world that he is the only true and living God. I also feel a great sense of urgency to have baby, I want to take a little one to Easter egg hunts and watch our baby sing in the church choir as all the little ones did today. My hearts desire is the raise a wonderful little girl or boy in the awe and wonder of our God. I can't wait to listen to my little one utter the Lord's prayer as I did when I was small and to see the true trust in God displayed by the innocent. I know that the Lord wants to give us the desire of our heart. Hoping you all are having a blessed Easter.

The beginning..

I decided that the best way to express this journey is to blog the ups and downs and all the blessings in between. I personally have a amazing story that I will post at a later time but I thought that having a forum to express my feelings would be the best way to deal with the constant battle of infertility. I am happy that you have decided to be a part of my life and share in our world.